Wednesday, February 20, 2008
.....
thoughts are dry. nothing doing. need to get on top of the homework. always easy to say, never easy to do. oh well. tired. nap at pcl.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Second
just cam back from a second meeting. It hit pretty hard. The "disease" seems to be quite real. I'm fortunate in the fact that I never ended up on a worse or more out of control road, but that doesn't make it any less real. I figure i'm a bit luckier.
Rest in peace Tim.
Rest in peace Tim.
klzjfh;JH
Another soon to be six hour suicidal sunday. essays yesterday. New book friday. OC today. Work and another meeting. poop.
I eat lettuce now.
I eat lettuce now.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Yup
Hi, my name is Zack and I am an addict. I am an addict. Words I never thought would come from my mouth. I am an addict. The first meeting I attended seemed to open my eyes quite a bit. I have a problem and need to fix it. It is not important what I have used or to what extent I have used. What is important is the process of bettering myself. A minuet thing that seemed to be so passive and under control has now been revealed as my addiction. The people I met tonight are truly people of substance. They are also addicts. Whether their addictions can worse or not is beside the point. They have in one hour helped me see that there is a reason not to do what I do. What keeps me from doing it? Why shouldn’t I do it? This is because I am an addict. Chuck Palahniuk said that once we cross certain lines, we just keep crossing them. This is what makes an addict an addict for life. Using is just not worth it. February 16, 2008,will be a day to remember. So many thoughts have flowed through my mind but only one is hard to say. I am an Addict. I must choose to better myself and not give into temptation or rationalization. This is a step in the right direction.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
mas
The main thing that seems to plague me as of lately is a large amount of self-doubt. I constantly doubt whether or not I can get things done, but at the same time, I know that I am more than capable of doing anything I manage to put my mind to. Unfortunately, it’s the puting my mind to it part that I am in a constant struggle with. Sometimes it feels like I haven’t been forced tu put forth too much effort to accomplish something in terms of school, but I can seem to grasp the understanding of the short fiction being read for my comp 2 class. I’m also not quite sure what it takes to push myself a bit further and actually get my work done early. It may just be a conditioned excuse, but it really feels that I’m not able to get my schoolwork done even when I know it’s what I should be doing. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember so nothing makes me believe that it will be changeable now. Oh to be young…
Monday, February 11, 2008
Something new
He quickly came up the steps to the front door, slid his key in the lock and slowly turned it over. “Please don’t be home, please don’t be home,” he thought to himself. Her car was in the driveway, but his father’s was not. Nothing was more terrifying than arriving home in the morning and having to stare his farther in the eye still half drunk. Straight to bed and would instantly alert his father of his intoxicated state, but then again so would more than a minute of conversation. He shut the door careful not to make a sound and started to tip toe down the hallway. At he saw his parent’s bedroom door wide open and much to his relief no one was there. He dropped his clothes to the floor and jumped freely into his bed. Once again he made it here safe from the consequences of his reckless actions.
When he woke the sun had made it over the backside of the house and began to peer through the open window. He opened his eyes and pulled the blonde hair from his face. He could hear once again his mother and father arguing over whatever they wanted yell about this time. He was numb to it by now. He made his way to the bathroom across the hall shut the door and turned the radio on. Loud. The music separated him from the rest of this place he called a world. After twenty minutes in the shower he became his former self. No longer the drunken fool that everyone else liked to see, but the good little boy who would never approve of drinking much less driving in that state. He turned the music off and fell into reality. Back to his closet to get dressed and right out the door back to his car, which could be considered his real home. He spent more time in it than any other place. “Later,” he shouted on his way out. He made sure to shut the door before allowing any kind of response. Spending time in that house was barely an option if he was alone and unthinkable when both parents were there. So much time as child spent alone turned the place into an imaginary dream house where anything was possible, but now his parents’ problems turned it into a much less magical place. He walked across the yard and hopped into the faded red hatchback.
Immediately when he started the car he turned the music as loud as it would go. He’d spent many of his hard earned dollars making sure it was almost too loud. The louder he made it the further he could get away from this life. Driving down the road he wasn’t sure where he was going. He may end up just sitting in a parking lot listening to music, but that was more than okay with him. He flipped open his phone and started rolling through all the names as the tress went by faster and faster. He couldn’t get out of the neighborhood fast enough. Nothing but a golf course a gas station and the restaurant he worked in for the better part of a year. By the time he arrived in town it was almost six o’ clock. Every hour that went by before the sun set was another victory. Adam called and they decided to use the remaining daylight to Jet Ski at his place.
He pulled into the driveway and headed for the dock. Adam was waiting with the skis already in the water.
“Hey guy!” he yelled down the hill.
“C’mon a yacht just went by.” Adam replied.
They tossed on life jackets and took off completely ignoring the no wake buoys in pursuit of the yacht. Eventually they caught it with the help off the glassy lake. When the two boys started hitting the wake, the boat’s driver slowed about and dropped the prop looking for a show. Adam pulled in first and when he caught the wake he soared almost higher than the top of the boat. When the boy saw this he immediately followed and hit the wake at higher speed. This sent him flying through the air as he looked down at the yacht’s passengers. It felt to him like defeating gravity. Nothing could compare. He hit the water once again only with a greater want to be in the air. Twenty minutes passed by and the yacht resumed its pervious speed heading for Johnny fins. The two boys turned back as the sun began to set behind them. The light was slowly disappearing but they took their time weaving back and forth jumping each others wake hoping that for once this feeling might last forever.
When he woke the sun had made it over the backside of the house and began to peer through the open window. He opened his eyes and pulled the blonde hair from his face. He could hear once again his mother and father arguing over whatever they wanted yell about this time. He was numb to it by now. He made his way to the bathroom across the hall shut the door and turned the radio on. Loud. The music separated him from the rest of this place he called a world. After twenty minutes in the shower he became his former self. No longer the drunken fool that everyone else liked to see, but the good little boy who would never approve of drinking much less driving in that state. He turned the music off and fell into reality. Back to his closet to get dressed and right out the door back to his car, which could be considered his real home. He spent more time in it than any other place. “Later,” he shouted on his way out. He made sure to shut the door before allowing any kind of response. Spending time in that house was barely an option if he was alone and unthinkable when both parents were there. So much time as child spent alone turned the place into an imaginary dream house where anything was possible, but now his parents’ problems turned it into a much less magical place. He walked across the yard and hopped into the faded red hatchback.
Immediately when he started the car he turned the music as loud as it would go. He’d spent many of his hard earned dollars making sure it was almost too loud. The louder he made it the further he could get away from this life. Driving down the road he wasn’t sure where he was going. He may end up just sitting in a parking lot listening to music, but that was more than okay with him. He flipped open his phone and started rolling through all the names as the tress went by faster and faster. He couldn’t get out of the neighborhood fast enough. Nothing but a golf course a gas station and the restaurant he worked in for the better part of a year. By the time he arrived in town it was almost six o’ clock. Every hour that went by before the sun set was another victory. Adam called and they decided to use the remaining daylight to Jet Ski at his place.
He pulled into the driveway and headed for the dock. Adam was waiting with the skis already in the water.
“Hey guy!” he yelled down the hill.
“C’mon a yacht just went by.” Adam replied.
They tossed on life jackets and took off completely ignoring the no wake buoys in pursuit of the yacht. Eventually they caught it with the help off the glassy lake. When the two boys started hitting the wake, the boat’s driver slowed about and dropped the prop looking for a show. Adam pulled in first and when he caught the wake he soared almost higher than the top of the boat. When the boy saw this he immediately followed and hit the wake at higher speed. This sent him flying through the air as he looked down at the yacht’s passengers. It felt to him like defeating gravity. Nothing could compare. He hit the water once again only with a greater want to be in the air. Twenty minutes passed by and the yacht resumed its pervious speed heading for Johnny fins. The two boys turned back as the sun began to set behind them. The light was slowly disappearing but they took their time weaving back and forth jumping each others wake hoping that for once this feeling might last forever.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Trece
So yeah… this is quite nice. Music banging in the morning like it was back in the day. Homework under my belt for the mean time. Go Me! Mom will be gone for a few days but lots of food to eat. Things is good. I thought of some pretty interesting stuff on free will due to a philosophy smidge I had to write. I have decide that free will is given to those who choose to take it advantage of it, but those people who just float through life without exercising reason choose to let other circumstances control their actions. Bummer right? Gotta study a wee bit. More another time.
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